blah blah blah....

This may be completely rambling and nonsense....

I'm just kind of numb lately. I have fallen into a very dark place. I honestly dont know if I'm just depressed or if I'm just sick of dh and all his crap. Have we really hit a brick wall? Have a really reached a place where I wont take his crap anymore? I just dont know how much more I can take from him. I barely talk to him anymore. I barely even acknowledge him. I will only speak to him if he speaks to me first. I think he knows. He keeps saying he's sorry. I just think that he has beaten me down so far that I dont know if we are fixable anymore. I dont know what I have left to give him anymore.....

No wonder I'm so fucked in the head...

So.... Tonight I told hubby that I have been in a very bad place. i even showed him where I have hurt myself.... Not five minutes later I was telling him something and he totally ignored me and started talking to the fucking dog. Yes, my husband apparently thought the fucking DOG was better then listening to me. Mother FUCKER! Way to make me feel worthless. Makes cheating look better and better...

Hurting myself...

So, I've been missing my meds. I know its got me in a bad place now. When I get like this I start to hurt myself. :(

Pissed off Sunday....

I woke up in the shittiest mood today. Dh is still sleeping and he has managed to piss me off already. He has tomorrow off so the asshole has taken it upon himself to sleep in today AND tomorrow. Then on top of that he changed the Internet security so now I can't get online on my laptop. The one thing I would like to do while his assholeness sleeps and I can't even do it cause he fucked it up.

Last night was also a shitty night. He has this way of saying things to me. For example if the kids are doing something bad he will look at me and ask "why the hell is she/he doing that?" gee I don't know dipshit, why not ask them yourself???? I guess since I'm the mom he thinks Im the only one who can deal with these things. Last night dd wanted her music on the big stereo. We both told her to please wait and daddy would help her. It's dh's precious stereo, and I don't even touch. When she didn't listen instead of yelling at her he yelled at me. He screamed at me "YOU need to make her stop!" yeah, that's when I basically told him to fuck off. Now I'm in a shitty mood and feeling the hate again. :(

Why can't I just be happy?????

just life...

So, my life has taken an interesting turn. I am being pursued....by another man. He is married, but separated. I have done so much thinking. I dont want to be a cheater. I dont want to cheat on my husband. BUt talking to this other man has been so exciting and well, HOT! He is so very sweet to me. We really only talk over email or chat, but we do see each other in public settings cause our kids are involved in the same sport. I honestly cant stop thinking about him. Its like he's moved into my head. lol Its like my head screams "NO" and my body screams "YEEEEESSSSS." lol

Things at home have been up and down. We had a small issue last night where he proved yet again that even after 15yrs he still doesnt know me. Or maybe its just that he just doesnt care and does whatever HE wants. I dont know. I honestly dont know what is going to happen in my life.....

Where will life lead me?

Its been soooo long since I've blogged. Hubs is still the same jerk. Still dealing with the put downs and crap. He just annoys me to no end. He's always mad at me just cause I'm mad at him for being an asshole. This weekend he changed my name to loser. Nice huh? Know what he told me a few weeks ago? he told me that I need to deal with his abuse or its over. Then he says he wants us to see a counselor. I told him that would be great! told him I cant wait to tell her how badly he fucks with my head. he didnt like that answer. lol we wont be seeing a counselor. I just live my life and do everything I can to keep from making him so angry. Once he's angry then the rage sets in and things get really bad.

Its not fair to my kids. hell, its not fair to me. I have no where to go though. I have no money to get myself (and my kids) out of here. :(

I just wish I could get out of this deep dark hole. Its like as soon as I start to feel a little bit of happiness he has to come along and crush it. And he wonders why I'm so depressed all the time. I wonder...

I've got a new friend... someone I know I shouldnt be talking too.... I just enjoy it way too much. lol

Really fucking pissed off...

I am so fucking pissed off that I just kicked a huge hole in my bathroom wall. Thats okay, it matches the other ones. Dh just left with the kids. Since I'm mad at him for something he did last night he told me that maybe I shouldnt come with him and the kids if I'm just going to ruin it for everyone with my bad mood. I fucking hate him. He's right, I'll ruin it for everyone cause I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's so good at getting me to trust him, he gets me all vulnerable, and then.....BAM! He slams with with something huge. I fucking hate him. I feel like he's out with MY kids having all the fun that I should be having with them. I fucking hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like this statment...

I just read something on CABBC that makes so much sense to me...
Its from a woman whose husband cheated on her cause she didnt have sex enough for his pleasure....

" He's comparing life with a mortgage and 3 kids, to when we were dating and I was in college..... I can't be the young college girl anymore.... I'm a MOM. We don't understand each other."


It make so much sense! Men never make that change. Sure they get the cool new title of "Dad", but thats all that really changes for them. They still have that college party boy mentality. They dont understand why we arent the same party girl.

Okay, maybe some men make that change, but I dont know any personally. lol

Such a fat fuck....

That's me. I cannot stop shoveling the food in. That just depresses me more which in turn makes me want to eat more. Last night I ate two filet of fish from McDonalds. Yes TWO! Then I read the label, 18g of fat! Wow! I wanted to puke...

Life goes on....

So, things with dh have been.... pretty okay. He's really trying hard to be nicer all the time. Sure we have a few issues, but nothing like it was. The smallest thing will make me literally shut down. If he hurts me (mentally, not physically) or ticks me off, I just shut him out. That in turn pisses him off more. lol Sometimes I wonder if I am being passive agressive with him. Is that the right term? He thinks I stay so quiet just to piss him off, but I dont. The funny thing is that he just gets angrier and angrier. Then at that point I can turn around and say "what did I do to deserve being called a fucking bitch? I was quiet? Yeah, that makes me such a bitch!" lol

In reality I stay quiet cause if I open my mouth I will scream and swear and all hell would break loose. I feel like me head will explode when i get so angry at him.

Want to hear something funny? One thing that dh and I have always been good at is sex. lol We have always had amazing and wild sex. I have been putting him off and only getting close to him when I'm really horny. lol Otherwise I have some great BOB's. lol Anyway, I actually let him get close to me the last two nights and well.... it sucked. lol Not totally sucked, but since I've been with-holding it from him he has no staying power. Whenever I would get close he would have to pull-out and relax for a few. UGH!

My depression.... I just feel like I am so fucked up. Like if I ever told my dh how I really feel he will put me into the looney bin. lol
I hate that my house is a mess. I just dont feel like cleaning it. Its not horrible, but the toys and shit just laying around. Shit piles up on the tables. lol

I often think that i wouldnt care if I died. not that I would kill myself. i just wouldnt care if something happened to me... car accident.... disease... whatever....

So, I'm crazy huh? Your probably reading this thinking "wtf?" right? lol

I used to be a big part old BBC. I wanted to go anonymous after the change. I felt like I had been giving too much info on myself. This way I can speak my mind and not care. Not that I have big opinions or anything. lol I know many people thought I was a troll at first. I assure you I am not.

I am such an IDIOT!!!

I had comments! LOL And I didnt even know it! I am so sorry that I didnt see your comments ladies. It really helps to know that I am not alone and others feels the same way i do. Keep commenting and I will try to keep posting. :O)

Just some random bullshit...

Not really sure what I'm blogging about today.

I'm feeling pretty low. I lied to dh and told him I'm sick. I just feel like crap, but its more like depression crap. Ya know those commercials that say "depression hurts"? Well, thats me. My depression is my illness right now. I hate myself. I hate the way i look. I'm so fucking fat. I'm sick of myself. But I cant even control myself. I feed my fucking face all day long. And not with anything healthy. I eat so much crap and junk its disgusting. I am addicted to coke. i drink way too much everyday.

This morning I forced myself to take my meds. Then I also took my diet pills that I ordered online last year. They make me thirsty and not hungry at all. So far its helped me get in a lot of water. I just dont know if the diet pills are okay with my other meds. I really dont even care. i just want to lose weight.

Yes, i know I should be exercising. I should be doing the wii fit that i promised dh would help me lose weight. It wont work if I dont use it. Instead I would rather spend all day on BBC or playing Animal crossing on the Wii. I have no ambition to do anything. my house really needs a scrub down. But i just dont care.

Dh is an idiot. We're supposed to be working on our marriage, but we're not. We went on an outing yesterday and he told me he brought the kids heavy coats. When we got to our destination he had brought dd's spring jacket. It was freezing cold and windy and all she had was a spring jacket for our outing. This after she has been sick and is still hacking her brains out. GRRRRR!!!!

Lord help me.

Hold me back cause I am PISSED!!!

So dh has this cousin, Brian. Apparently Brian thinks we should sit around waiting for him to bless us with his presence. We rarely answer our phones for anyone, its not just him. Well, he's tried to teach us a lesson before by showing up on our doorstep if we dont answer the phone. Well, for me personally, if I'm not expecting you, then I will NOT open the door. I dont give a shit. If your rude enough to show up unexpected then I'll be rude enough to not answer the door. I swear if I'm ever home alone and he shows up he will surely bang and pound on the door, pissed knowing that we're home. I would have no trouble calling the cops on his ass.

So anyway, today apparently he called while I was in the shower and dh was at the store with the kids. He left an asshole message about how he needs his books from dh and to leave them outside. Then as I got out if the shower the phone rang. I knew dh was back then and he choose not to answer it. Of course it was Brian. he left a horribly nasty message this time, swearing and such. That just put me into a rage. I hate that mother fucker so much. Who the fuck is he to tell US off??? So sorry we have lives and cannot be there for every time you want us. Its not like we even have any real relationship with him. We maybe see him twice a year and for mere minutes at that.

He showed up here with his two buddies on their Harley's. Its taking everything in me to not go outside and kick his fucking ass! Oh I am so beyond pissed off at that asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life sucks

I'm in that deep dark pit of despair again. Thanks to dh. I've finally told him that I see my way out of this hell. I've finally told him I feel nothing for him. He's been begging my forgiveness. I want to. But I dont know how. He's done so much shit to me, I dont know how to get past it all. Even after the huge fight we had all weekend he is still going to work late tonight. After I was sick in bad all day, he still put in for the overtime when he knew I was sick and could really use him at home to help with the kids. Just another example of how I come last in his world.

Where do I go from here? I'm so scared about having to live on my own. I dont know how I can do it. I'm scared to death...

so much has happened....

where will my life go from here?????????????????

Wine and Hannah Montana

LOLOLOL I've had way too much wine and there is nothing on TV! So.... here I sit watching Hannah Montana. :O)

Jealous? :P

Why is it so hard???

So as a mom why is it so hard to sit back and let the dad be in charge? lol DD has gymnastics tonight. After having a horrible migraine today (which makes me puke my guts out all day long) I had to let dh take her. He offered, and its really kind of nice to have this down time. But i still worry.... lol

My fat, lazy ass....

Its pretty sad really. I have my total TV listing for the day.

9am Rachel Ray
10am-11am Frasier
11am-12pm Will and Grace
12-1pm Desperate Housewives
1pm-2pm Days of our Lives
2pm-3pm Sabrina the Teenage Witch!

By then its time for me to clean up before the kids get home. LOL Ya know whats really sad? My favorite show of the day is SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH!!!!! lol

Today, I'm in self destruct mode. I'm tempted to have some wine now at 11am., but wont. I've already smoke a couple of joints... It helps me not hate my life so much....

Man guilt...

So, now we're in the next phase of the argument. I say that because it always goes the same way. Now he realizes what a jerk he has been. He feels terrible. He bought me a nice card and a butterfly collectible. It was really nice, but I know he just did it cause he feels guilty. I still have so much anger towards him. Its going to take a long time to get over this.

I'm tired of always wondering who he's with. He says he's working late, who knows... His FB had some girl posting on his wall. I dont know her. He says he works with her. She posted something on his wall that to me, appeared to be flirting. She asked him if he's "going to the party?" Ummm, who the fuck are you and what fucking party??? he says its a retirement party for someone at work. Whatever. I'm tired of being alone all the time.

Marriage SUCKS!!!!

Dont do it.... EVER!!!! I fucking hate my husband. More and more everyday. I think divorce is coming..........

In that bad place...

So the holidays are over. Family sucks. Dh is an asshole. I'm really very unhappy right now. Dh is constantly putting me down. He's really good at making me feel worthless. Then he's really good at making feel like its my fault.

I'm just so sick of dealing with him. I'm sick of his apologies all the time. I'm tired of forgiving him all the time. There shouldnt ever be anything to forgive in the first place. I'm just sick of life and really want to crawl back into bed. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel like I am worth listening to. He will always tell me he's listening, but he never does. He often walks away from me while I'm talking to him. Why do I even bother staying with him?

He works all the time. I know we need money, but we also need a husband and father at home. I was recently in a situation where my kids and I had a wonderful time with another man. Where was dh? at work. No it wasnt a date or anything. I wasnt cheating. I was at an event for my kids and just got talking to another parent. Times like that make me wonder though.... what could i have if I left dh? Its such a scary thought, but sometimes it sounds really nice... Or even the thought of an affair is nice....

Dh just called.... wanted to know why I'm crying.... why is it so hard to tell him the truth? Why cant I just say I'm sick of how you treat me? How can he just expect me to get over it so quickly?

I hold onto anger for a long time. I still have anger against two girls from 5th grade. They used to mock me about my socks everyday. I have never forgotten their teasing. If I havent gotten over that, I am not getting over my own husband saying "fuck you bitch."