In that bad place...

So the holidays are over. Family sucks. Dh is an asshole. I'm really very unhappy right now. Dh is constantly putting me down. He's really good at making me feel worthless. Then he's really good at making feel like its my fault.

I'm just so sick of dealing with him. I'm sick of his apologies all the time. I'm tired of forgiving him all the time. There shouldnt ever be anything to forgive in the first place. I'm just sick of life and really want to crawl back into bed. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel like I am worth listening to. He will always tell me he's listening, but he never does. He often walks away from me while I'm talking to him. Why do I even bother staying with him?

He works all the time. I know we need money, but we also need a husband and father at home. I was recently in a situation where my kids and I had a wonderful time with another man. Where was dh? at work. No it wasnt a date or anything. I wasnt cheating. I was at an event for my kids and just got talking to another parent. Times like that make me wonder though.... what could i have if I left dh? Its such a scary thought, but sometimes it sounds really nice... Or even the thought of an affair is nice....

Dh just called.... wanted to know why I'm crying.... why is it so hard to tell him the truth? Why cant I just say I'm sick of how you treat me? How can he just expect me to get over it so quickly?

I hold onto anger for a long time. I still have anger against two girls from 5th grade. They used to mock me about my socks everyday. I have never forgotten their teasing. If I havent gotten over that, I am not getting over my own husband saying "fuck you bitch."