Life goes on....

So, things with dh have been.... pretty okay. He's really trying hard to be nicer all the time. Sure we have a few issues, but nothing like it was. The smallest thing will make me literally shut down. If he hurts me (mentally, not physically) or ticks me off, I just shut him out. That in turn pisses him off more. lol Sometimes I wonder if I am being passive agressive with him. Is that the right term? He thinks I stay so quiet just to piss him off, but I dont. The funny thing is that he just gets angrier and angrier. Then at that point I can turn around and say "what did I do to deserve being called a fucking bitch? I was quiet? Yeah, that makes me such a bitch!" lol

In reality I stay quiet cause if I open my mouth I will scream and swear and all hell would break loose. I feel like me head will explode when i get so angry at him.

Want to hear something funny? One thing that dh and I have always been good at is sex. lol We have always had amazing and wild sex. I have been putting him off and only getting close to him when I'm really horny. lol Otherwise I have some great BOB's. lol Anyway, I actually let him get close to me the last two nights and well.... it sucked. lol Not totally sucked, but since I've been with-holding it from him he has no staying power. Whenever I would get close he would have to pull-out and relax for a few. UGH!

My depression.... I just feel like I am so fucked up. Like if I ever told my dh how I really feel he will put me into the looney bin. lol
I hate that my house is a mess. I just dont feel like cleaning it. Its not horrible, but the toys and shit just laying around. Shit piles up on the tables. lol

I often think that i wouldnt care if I died. not that I would kill myself. i just wouldnt care if something happened to me... car accident.... disease... whatever....

So, I'm crazy huh? Your probably reading this thinking "wtf?" right? lol

I used to be a big part old BBC. I wanted to go anonymous after the change. I felt like I had been giving too much info on myself. This way I can speak my mind and not care. Not that I have big opinions or anything. lol I know many people thought I was a troll at first. I assure you I am not.

I am such an IDIOT!!!

I had comments! LOL And I didnt even know it! I am so sorry that I didnt see your comments ladies. It really helps to know that I am not alone and others feels the same way i do. Keep commenting and I will try to keep posting. :O)

Just some random bullshit...

Not really sure what I'm blogging about today.

I'm feeling pretty low. I lied to dh and told him I'm sick. I just feel like crap, but its more like depression crap. Ya know those commercials that say "depression hurts"? Well, thats me. My depression is my illness right now. I hate myself. I hate the way i look. I'm so fucking fat. I'm sick of myself. But I cant even control myself. I feed my fucking face all day long. And not with anything healthy. I eat so much crap and junk its disgusting. I am addicted to coke. i drink way too much everyday.

This morning I forced myself to take my meds. Then I also took my diet pills that I ordered online last year. They make me thirsty and not hungry at all. So far its helped me get in a lot of water. I just dont know if the diet pills are okay with my other meds. I really dont even care. i just want to lose weight.

Yes, i know I should be exercising. I should be doing the wii fit that i promised dh would help me lose weight. It wont work if I dont use it. Instead I would rather spend all day on BBC or playing Animal crossing on the Wii. I have no ambition to do anything. my house really needs a scrub down. But i just dont care.

Dh is an idiot. We're supposed to be working on our marriage, but we're not. We went on an outing yesterday and he told me he brought the kids heavy coats. When we got to our destination he had brought dd's spring jacket. It was freezing cold and windy and all she had was a spring jacket for our outing. This after she has been sick and is still hacking her brains out. GRRRRR!!!!

Lord help me.

Hold me back cause I am PISSED!!!

So dh has this cousin, Brian. Apparently Brian thinks we should sit around waiting for him to bless us with his presence. We rarely answer our phones for anyone, its not just him. Well, he's tried to teach us a lesson before by showing up on our doorstep if we dont answer the phone. Well, for me personally, if I'm not expecting you, then I will NOT open the door. I dont give a shit. If your rude enough to show up unexpected then I'll be rude enough to not answer the door. I swear if I'm ever home alone and he shows up he will surely bang and pound on the door, pissed knowing that we're home. I would have no trouble calling the cops on his ass.

So anyway, today apparently he called while I was in the shower and dh was at the store with the kids. He left an asshole message about how he needs his books from dh and to leave them outside. Then as I got out if the shower the phone rang. I knew dh was back then and he choose not to answer it. Of course it was Brian. he left a horribly nasty message this time, swearing and such. That just put me into a rage. I hate that mother fucker so much. Who the fuck is he to tell US off??? So sorry we have lives and cannot be there for every time you want us. Its not like we even have any real relationship with him. We maybe see him twice a year and for mere minutes at that.

He showed up here with his two buddies on their Harley's. Its taking everything in me to not go outside and kick his fucking ass! Oh I am so beyond pissed off at that asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!