No wonder I'm so fucked in the head...

So.... Tonight I told hubby that I have been in a very bad place. i even showed him where I have hurt myself.... Not five minutes later I was telling him something and he totally ignored me and started talking to the fucking dog. Yes, my husband apparently thought the fucking DOG was better then listening to me. Mother FUCKER! Way to make me feel worthless. Makes cheating look better and better...

Hurting myself...

So, I've been missing my meds. I know its got me in a bad place now. When I get like this I start to hurt myself. :(

Pissed off Sunday....

I woke up in the shittiest mood today. Dh is still sleeping and he has managed to piss me off already. He has tomorrow off so the asshole has taken it upon himself to sleep in today AND tomorrow. Then on top of that he changed the Internet security so now I can't get online on my laptop. The one thing I would like to do while his assholeness sleeps and I can't even do it cause he fucked it up.

Last night was also a shitty night. He has this way of saying things to me. For example if the kids are doing something bad he will look at me and ask "why the hell is she/he doing that?" gee I don't know dipshit, why not ask them yourself???? I guess since I'm the mom he thinks Im the only one who can deal with these things. Last night dd wanted her music on the big stereo. We both told her to please wait and daddy would help her. It's dh's precious stereo, and I don't even touch. When she didn't listen instead of yelling at her he yelled at me. He screamed at me "YOU need to make her stop!" yeah, that's when I basically told him to fuck off. Now I'm in a shitty mood and feeling the hate again. :(

Why can't I just be happy?????

just life...

So, my life has taken an interesting turn. I am being pursued....by another man. He is married, but separated. I have done so much thinking. I dont want to be a cheater. I dont want to cheat on my husband. BUt talking to this other man has been so exciting and well, HOT! He is so very sweet to me. We really only talk over email or chat, but we do see each other in public settings cause our kids are involved in the same sport. I honestly cant stop thinking about him. Its like he's moved into my head. lol Its like my head screams "NO" and my body screams "YEEEEESSSSS." lol

Things at home have been up and down. We had a small issue last night where he proved yet again that even after 15yrs he still doesnt know me. Or maybe its just that he just doesnt care and does whatever HE wants. I dont know. I honestly dont know what is going to happen in my life.....

Where will life lead me?

Its been soooo long since I've blogged. Hubs is still the same jerk. Still dealing with the put downs and crap. He just annoys me to no end. He's always mad at me just cause I'm mad at him for being an asshole. This weekend he changed my name to loser. Nice huh? Know what he told me a few weeks ago? he told me that I need to deal with his abuse or its over. Then he says he wants us to see a counselor. I told him that would be great! told him I cant wait to tell her how badly he fucks with my head. he didnt like that answer. lol we wont be seeing a counselor. I just live my life and do everything I can to keep from making him so angry. Once he's angry then the rage sets in and things get really bad.

Its not fair to my kids. hell, its not fair to me. I have no where to go though. I have no money to get myself (and my kids) out of here. :(

I just wish I could get out of this deep dark hole. Its like as soon as I start to feel a little bit of happiness he has to come along and crush it. And he wonders why I'm so depressed all the time. I wonder...

I've got a new friend... someone I know I shouldnt be talking too.... I just enjoy it way too much. lol