Life sucks

I'm in that deep dark pit of despair again. Thanks to dh. I've finally told him that I see my way out of this hell. I've finally told him I feel nothing for him. He's been begging my forgiveness. I want to. But I dont know how. He's done so much shit to me, I dont know how to get past it all. Even after the huge fight we had all weekend he is still going to work late tonight. After I was sick in bad all day, he still put in for the overtime when he knew I was sick and could really use him at home to help with the kids. Just another example of how I come last in his world.

Where do I go from here? I'm so scared about having to live on my own. I dont know how I can do it. I'm scared to death...

so much has happened....

where will my life go from here?????????????????

Wine and Hannah Montana

LOLOLOL I've had way too much wine and there is nothing on TV! So.... here I sit watching Hannah Montana. :O)

Jealous? :P

Why is it so hard???

So as a mom why is it so hard to sit back and let the dad be in charge? lol DD has gymnastics tonight. After having a horrible migraine today (which makes me puke my guts out all day long) I had to let dh take her. He offered, and its really kind of nice to have this down time. But i still worry.... lol

My fat, lazy ass....

Its pretty sad really. I have my total TV listing for the day.

9am Rachel Ray
10am-11am Frasier
11am-12pm Will and Grace
12-1pm Desperate Housewives
1pm-2pm Days of our Lives
2pm-3pm Sabrina the Teenage Witch!

By then its time for me to clean up before the kids get home. LOL Ya know whats really sad? My favorite show of the day is SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH!!!!! lol

Today, I'm in self destruct mode. I'm tempted to have some wine now at 11am., but wont. I've already smoke a couple of joints... It helps me not hate my life so much....

Man guilt...

So, now we're in the next phase of the argument. I say that because it always goes the same way. Now he realizes what a jerk he has been. He feels terrible. He bought me a nice card and a butterfly collectible. It was really nice, but I know he just did it cause he feels guilty. I still have so much anger towards him. Its going to take a long time to get over this.

I'm tired of always wondering who he's with. He says he's working late, who knows... His FB had some girl posting on his wall. I dont know her. He says he works with her. She posted something on his wall that to me, appeared to be flirting. She asked him if he's "going to the party?" Ummm, who the fuck are you and what fucking party??? he says its a retirement party for someone at work. Whatever. I'm tired of being alone all the time.

Marriage SUCKS!!!!

Dont do it.... EVER!!!! I fucking hate my husband. More and more everyday. I think divorce is coming..........

In that bad place...

So the holidays are over. Family sucks. Dh is an asshole. I'm really very unhappy right now. Dh is constantly putting me down. He's really good at making me feel worthless. Then he's really good at making feel like its my fault.

I'm just so sick of dealing with him. I'm sick of his apologies all the time. I'm tired of forgiving him all the time. There shouldnt ever be anything to forgive in the first place. I'm just sick of life and really want to crawl back into bed. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel like I am worth listening to. He will always tell me he's listening, but he never does. He often walks away from me while I'm talking to him. Why do I even bother staying with him?

He works all the time. I know we need money, but we also need a husband and father at home. I was recently in a situation where my kids and I had a wonderful time with another man. Where was dh? at work. No it wasnt a date or anything. I wasnt cheating. I was at an event for my kids and just got talking to another parent. Times like that make me wonder though.... what could i have if I left dh? Its such a scary thought, but sometimes it sounds really nice... Or even the thought of an affair is nice....

Dh just called.... wanted to know why I'm crying.... why is it so hard to tell him the truth? Why cant I just say I'm sick of how you treat me? How can he just expect me to get over it so quickly?

I hold onto anger for a long time. I still have anger against two girls from 5th grade. They used to mock me about my socks everyday. I have never forgotten their teasing. If I havent gotten over that, I am not getting over my own husband saying "fuck you bitch."