Depression sucks....

So the main reason I started this blog is to help deal with my depression. I need a place to get out all the crazy shit flying thru my head.

I see a psychiatrist, but I'm never totally honest with her. I'm on meds and do feel good on them. But..... there is always this underlying shit. Those thoughts I never speak up about. Even on a good day I can be driving along and there is this one curve that if you just went straight, you would crash into this pond/swamp. Its off the expressway so someone doing that would be going at least 70mph. In the back of my head this voice says "it would be so easy....." Even on a good day I want to stay in bed. I often make all these commitments and then later am terrified to go at all. I have even used my kids and kept them home from school before just to get out of things. I just want to hide in my house and never go out. When I do go out I have to force myself.

Its so easy to just not take my meds. I start to enjoy feeling so shitty. In some ways its just like another excuse to be lazy and not do anything.

Sometimes I think that I wouldnt care if something happened to me. Not that i would do something to hurt myself. Just that I wouldnt mind getting hurt and having to be in the hospital. Just to be lazy and nothing to deal with. I broke my toe and foot a few years ago and it was great. I could be lazy all I wanted with a real excuse. How sad is that?

I'm thinking that maybe I should be more honest with my psych next month. Tell her how crazy psycho I really am. I wish I could get disability for depresson and anxiety. whenever I think about going back to work I totally panic and have a melt down. You probably have to already be working though to get disability for that, huh?

Depression sucks.....