blah blah blah....

This may be completely rambling and nonsense....

I'm just kind of numb lately. I have fallen into a very dark place. I honestly dont know if I'm just depressed or if I'm just sick of dh and all his crap. Have we really hit a brick wall? Have a really reached a place where I wont take his crap anymore? I just dont know how much more I can take from him. I barely talk to him anymore. I barely even acknowledge him. I will only speak to him if he speaks to me first. I think he knows. He keeps saying he's sorry. I just think that he has beaten me down so far that I dont know if we are fixable anymore. I dont know what I have left to give him anymore.....

No wonder I'm so fucked in the head...

So.... Tonight I told hubby that I have been in a very bad place. i even showed him where I have hurt myself.... Not five minutes later I was telling him something and he totally ignored me and started talking to the fucking dog. Yes, my husband apparently thought the fucking DOG was better then listening to me. Mother FUCKER! Way to make me feel worthless. Makes cheating look better and better...

Hurting myself...

So, I've been missing my meds. I know its got me in a bad place now. When I get like this I start to hurt myself. :(

Pissed off Sunday....

I woke up in the shittiest mood today. Dh is still sleeping and he has managed to piss me off already. He has tomorrow off so the asshole has taken it upon himself to sleep in today AND tomorrow. Then on top of that he changed the Internet security so now I can't get online on my laptop. The one thing I would like to do while his assholeness sleeps and I can't even do it cause he fucked it up.

Last night was also a shitty night. He has this way of saying things to me. For example if the kids are doing something bad he will look at me and ask "why the hell is she/he doing that?" gee I don't know dipshit, why not ask them yourself???? I guess since I'm the mom he thinks Im the only one who can deal with these things. Last night dd wanted her music on the big stereo. We both told her to please wait and daddy would help her. It's dh's precious stereo, and I don't even touch. When she didn't listen instead of yelling at her he yelled at me. He screamed at me "YOU need to make her stop!" yeah, that's when I basically told him to fuck off. Now I'm in a shitty mood and feeling the hate again. :(

Why can't I just be happy?????

just life...

So, my life has taken an interesting turn. I am being pursued....by another man. He is married, but separated. I have done so much thinking. I dont want to be a cheater. I dont want to cheat on my husband. BUt talking to this other man has been so exciting and well, HOT! He is so very sweet to me. We really only talk over email or chat, but we do see each other in public settings cause our kids are involved in the same sport. I honestly cant stop thinking about him. Its like he's moved into my head. lol Its like my head screams "NO" and my body screams "YEEEEESSSSS." lol

Things at home have been up and down. We had a small issue last night where he proved yet again that even after 15yrs he still doesnt know me. Or maybe its just that he just doesnt care and does whatever HE wants. I dont know. I honestly dont know what is going to happen in my life.....

Where will life lead me?

Its been soooo long since I've blogged. Hubs is still the same jerk. Still dealing with the put downs and crap. He just annoys me to no end. He's always mad at me just cause I'm mad at him for being an asshole. This weekend he changed my name to loser. Nice huh? Know what he told me a few weeks ago? he told me that I need to deal with his abuse or its over. Then he says he wants us to see a counselor. I told him that would be great! told him I cant wait to tell her how badly he fucks with my head. he didnt like that answer. lol we wont be seeing a counselor. I just live my life and do everything I can to keep from making him so angry. Once he's angry then the rage sets in and things get really bad.

Its not fair to my kids. hell, its not fair to me. I have no where to go though. I have no money to get myself (and my kids) out of here. :(

I just wish I could get out of this deep dark hole. Its like as soon as I start to feel a little bit of happiness he has to come along and crush it. And he wonders why I'm so depressed all the time. I wonder...

I've got a new friend... someone I know I shouldnt be talking too.... I just enjoy it way too much. lol

Really fucking pissed off...

I am so fucking pissed off that I just kicked a huge hole in my bathroom wall. Thats okay, it matches the other ones. Dh just left with the kids. Since I'm mad at him for something he did last night he told me that maybe I shouldnt come with him and the kids if I'm just going to ruin it for everyone with my bad mood. I fucking hate him. He's right, I'll ruin it for everyone cause I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's so good at getting me to trust him, he gets me all vulnerable, and then.....BAM! He slams with with something huge. I fucking hate him. I feel like he's out with MY kids having all the fun that I should be having with them. I fucking hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like this statment...

I just read something on CABBC that makes so much sense to me...
Its from a woman whose husband cheated on her cause she didnt have sex enough for his pleasure....

" He's comparing life with a mortgage and 3 kids, to when we were dating and I was in college..... I can't be the young college girl anymore.... I'm a MOM. We don't understand each other."


It make so much sense! Men never make that change. Sure they get the cool new title of "Dad", but thats all that really changes for them. They still have that college party boy mentality. They dont understand why we arent the same party girl.

Okay, maybe some men make that change, but I dont know any personally. lol

Such a fat fuck....

That's me. I cannot stop shoveling the food in. That just depresses me more which in turn makes me want to eat more. Last night I ate two filet of fish from McDonalds. Yes TWO! Then I read the label, 18g of fat! Wow! I wanted to puke...

Life goes on....

So, things with dh have been.... pretty okay. He's really trying hard to be nicer all the time. Sure we have a few issues, but nothing like it was. The smallest thing will make me literally shut down. If he hurts me (mentally, not physically) or ticks me off, I just shut him out. That in turn pisses him off more. lol Sometimes I wonder if I am being passive agressive with him. Is that the right term? He thinks I stay so quiet just to piss him off, but I dont. The funny thing is that he just gets angrier and angrier. Then at that point I can turn around and say "what did I do to deserve being called a fucking bitch? I was quiet? Yeah, that makes me such a bitch!" lol

In reality I stay quiet cause if I open my mouth I will scream and swear and all hell would break loose. I feel like me head will explode when i get so angry at him.

Want to hear something funny? One thing that dh and I have always been good at is sex. lol We have always had amazing and wild sex. I have been putting him off and only getting close to him when I'm really horny. lol Otherwise I have some great BOB's. lol Anyway, I actually let him get close to me the last two nights and well.... it sucked. lol Not totally sucked, but since I've been with-holding it from him he has no staying power. Whenever I would get close he would have to pull-out and relax for a few. UGH!

My depression.... I just feel like I am so fucked up. Like if I ever told my dh how I really feel he will put me into the looney bin. lol
I hate that my house is a mess. I just dont feel like cleaning it. Its not horrible, but the toys and shit just laying around. Shit piles up on the tables. lol

I often think that i wouldnt care if I died. not that I would kill myself. i just wouldnt care if something happened to me... car accident.... disease... whatever....

So, I'm crazy huh? Your probably reading this thinking "wtf?" right? lol

I used to be a big part old BBC. I wanted to go anonymous after the change. I felt like I had been giving too much info on myself. This way I can speak my mind and not care. Not that I have big opinions or anything. lol I know many people thought I was a troll at first. I assure you I am not.