The Phantom Pickle

blah blah blah....

2009-11-06T13:54:00.002-05:00

This may be completely rambling and nonsense....

I'm just kind of numb lately. I have fallen into a very dark place. I honestly dont know if I'm just depressed or if I'm just sick of dh and all his crap. Have we really hit a brick wall? Have a really reached a place where I wont take his crap anymore? I just dont know how much more I can take from him. I barely talk to him anymore. I barely even acknowledge him. I will only speak to him if he speaks to me first. I think he knows. He keeps saying he's sorry. I just think that he has beaten me down so far that I dont know if we are fixable anymore. I dont know what I have left to give him anymore.....

No wonder I'm so fucked in the head...

2009-10-28T23:29:00.002-04:00

So.... Tonight I told hubby that I have been in a very bad place. i even showed him where I have hurt myself.... Not five minutes later I was telling him something and he totally ignored me and started talking to the fucking dog. Yes, my husband apparently thought the fucking DOG was better then listening to me. Mother FUCKER! Way to make me feel worthless. Makes cheating look better and better...

Hurting myself...

2009-10-27T09:51:00.001-04:00

So, I've been missing my meds. I know its got me in a bad place now. When I get like this I start to hurt myself. :(

Pissed off Sunday....

2009-10-25T08:20:00.001-04:00

I woke up in the shittiest mood today. Dh is still sleeping and he has managed to piss me off already. He has tomorrow off so the asshole has taken it upon himself to sleep in today AND tomorrow. Then on top of that he changed the Internet security so now I can't get online on my laptop. The one thing I would like to do while his assholeness sleeps and I can't even do it cause he fucked it up.

Last night was also a shitty night. He has this way of saying things to me. For example if the kids are doing something bad he will look at me and ask "why the hell is she/he doing that?" gee I don't know dipshit, why not ask them yourself???? I guess since I'm the mom he thinks Im the only one who can deal with these things. Last night dd wanted her music on the big stereo. We both told her to please wait and daddy would help her. It's dh's precious stereo, and I don't even touch. When she didn't listen instead of yelling at her he yelled at me. He screamed at me "YOU need to make her stop!" yeah, that's when I basically told him to fuck off. Now I'm in a shitty mood and feeling the hate again. :(

Why can't I just be happy?????

just life...

2009-10-20T11:27:00.003-04:00

So, my life has taken an interesting turn. I am being pursued....by another man. He is married, but separated. I have done so much thinking. I dont want to be a cheater. I dont want to cheat on my husband. BUt talking to this other man has been so exciting and well, HOT! He is so very sweet to me. We really only talk over email or chat, but we do see each other in public settings cause our kids are involved in the same sport. I honestly cant stop thinking about him. Its like he's moved into my head. lol Its like my head screams "NO" and my body screams "YEEEEESSSSS." lol

Things at home have been up and down. We had a small issue last night where he proved yet again that even after 15yrs he still doesnt know me. Or maybe its just that he just doesnt care and does whatever HE wants. I dont know. I honestly dont know what is going to happen in my life.....

Where will life lead me?

2009-10-13T13:53:00.002-04:00

Its been soooo long since I've blogged. Hubs is still the same jerk. Still dealing with the put downs and crap. He just annoys me to no end. He's always mad at me just cause I'm mad at him for being an asshole. This weekend he changed my name to loser. Nice huh? Know what he told me a few weeks ago? he told me that I need to deal with his abuse or its over. Then he says he wants us to see a counselor. I told him that would be great! told him I cant wait to tell her how badly he fucks with my head. he didnt like that answer. lol we wont be seeing a counselor. I just live my life and do everything I can to keep from making him so angry. Once he's angry then the rage sets in and things get really bad.

Its not fair to my kids. hell, its not fair to me. I have no where to go though. I have no money to get myself (and my kids) out of here. :(

I just wish I could get out of this deep dark hole. Its like as soon as I start to feel a little bit of happiness he has to come along and crush it. And he wonders why I'm so depressed all the time. I wonder...

I've got a new friend... someone I know I shouldnt be talking too.... I just enjoy it way too much. lol

Really fucking pissed off...

2009-04-05T13:21:00.002-04:00

I am so fucking pissed off that I just kicked a huge hole in my bathroom wall. Thats okay, it matches the other ones. Dh just left with the kids. Since I'm mad at him for something he did last night he told me that maybe I shouldnt come with him and the kids if I'm just going to ruin it for everyone with my bad mood. I fucking hate him. He's right, I'll ruin it for everyone cause I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's so good at getting me to trust him, he gets me all vulnerable, and then.....BAM! He slams with with something huge. I fucking hate him. I feel like he's out with MY kids having all the fun that I should be having with them. I fucking hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like this statment...

2009-04-04T15:09:00.002-04:00

I just read something on CABBC that makes so much sense to me...
Its from a woman whose husband cheated on her cause she didnt have sex enough for his pleasure....

" He's comparing life with a mortgage and 3 kids, to when we were dating and I was in college..... I can't be the young college girl anymore.... I'm a MOM. We don't understand each other."

It make so much sense! Men never make that change. Sure they get the cool new title of "Dad", but thats all that really changes for them. They still have that college party boy mentality. They dont understand why we arent the same party girl.

Okay, maybe some men make that change, but I dont know any personally. lol

Such a fat fuck....

2009-04-02T10:35:00.002-04:00

That's me. I cannot stop shoveling the food in. That just depresses me more which in turn makes me want to eat more. Last night I ate two filet of fish from McDonalds. Yes TWO! Then I read the label, 18g of fat! Wow! I wanted to puke...

Life goes on....

2009-03-30T10:02:00.002-04:00

So, things with dh have been.... pretty okay. He's really trying hard to be nicer all the time. Sure we have a few issues, but nothing like it was. The smallest thing will make me literally shut down. If he hurts me (mentally, not physically) or ticks me off, I just shut him out. That in turn pisses him off more. lol Sometimes I wonder if I am being passive agressive with him. Is that the right term? He thinks I stay so quiet just to piss him off, but I dont. The funny thing is that he just gets angrier and angrier. Then at that point I can turn around and say "what did I do to deserve being called a fucking bitch? I was quiet? Yeah, that makes me such a bitch!" lol

In reality I stay quiet cause if I open my mouth I will scream and swear and all hell would break loose. I feel like me head will explode when i get so angry at him.

Want to hear something funny? One thing that dh and I have always been good at is sex. lol We have always had amazing and wild sex. I have been putting him off and only getting close to him when I'm really horny. lol Otherwise I have some great BOB's. lol Anyway, I actually let him get close to me the last two nights and well.... it sucked. lol Not totally sucked, but since I've been with-holding it from him he has no staying power. Whenever I would get close he would have to pull-out and relax for a few. UGH!

My depression.... I just feel like I am so fucked up. Like if I ever told my dh how I really feel he will put me into the looney bin. lol
I hate that my house is a mess. I just dont feel like cleaning it. Its not horrible, but the toys and shit just laying around. Shit piles up on the tables. lol

I often think that i wouldnt care if I died. not that I would kill myself. i just wouldnt care if something happened to me... car accident.... disease... whatever....

So, I'm crazy huh? Your probably reading this thinking "wtf?" right? lol

I used to be a big part old BBC. I wanted to go anonymous after the change. I felt like I had been giving too much info on myself. This way I can speak my mind and not care. Not that I have big opinions or anything. lol I know many people thought I was a troll at first. I assure you I am not.

I am such an IDIOT!!!

2009-03-30T09:58:00.001-04:00

I had comments! LOL And I didnt even know it! I am so sorry that I didnt see your comments ladies. It really helps to know that I am not alone and others feels the same way i do. Keep commenting and I will try to keep posting. :O)

Just some random bullshit...

2009-03-23T10:33:00.003-04:00

Not really sure what I'm blogging about today.

I'm feeling pretty low. I lied to dh and told him I'm sick. I just feel like crap, but its more like depression crap. Ya know those commercials that say "depression hurts"? Well, thats me. My depression is my illness right now. I hate myself. I hate the way i look. I'm so fucking fat. I'm sick of myself. But I cant even control myself. I feed my fucking face all day long. And not with anything healthy. I eat so much crap and junk its disgusting. I am addicted to coke. i drink way too much everyday.

This morning I forced myself to take my meds. Then I also took my diet pills that I ordered online last year. They make me thirsty and not hungry at all. So far its helped me get in a lot of water. I just dont know if the diet pills are okay with my other meds. I really dont even care. i just want to lose weight.

Yes, i know I should be exercising. I should be doing the wii fit that i promised dh would help me lose weight. It wont work if I dont use it. Instead I would rather spend all day on BBC or playing Animal crossing on the Wii. I have no ambition to do anything. my house really needs a scrub down. But i just dont care.

Dh is an idiot. We're supposed to be working on our marriage, but we're not. We went on an outing yesterday and he told me he brought the kids heavy coats. When we got to our destination he had brought dd's spring jacket. It was freezing cold and windy and all she had was a spring jacket for our outing. This after she has been sick and is still hacking her brains out. GRRRRR!!!!

Lord help me.

Hold me back cause I am PISSED!!!

2009-03-15T15:02:00.002-04:00

So dh has this cousin, Brian. Apparently Brian thinks we should sit around waiting for him to bless us with his presence. We rarely answer our phones for anyone, its not just him. Well, he's tried to teach us a lesson before by showing up on our doorstep if we dont answer the phone. Well, for me personally, if I'm not expecting you, then I will NOT open the door. I dont give a shit. If your rude enough to show up unexpected then I'll be rude enough to not answer the door. I swear if I'm ever home alone and he shows up he will surely bang and pound on the door, pissed knowing that we're home. I would have no trouble calling the cops on his ass.

So anyway, today apparently he called while I was in the shower and dh was at the store with the kids. He left an asshole message about how he needs his books from dh and to leave them outside. Then as I got out if the shower the phone rang. I knew dh was back then and he choose not to answer it. Of course it was Brian. he left a horribly nasty message this time, swearing and such. That just put me into a rage. I hate that mother fucker so much. Who the fuck is he to tell US off??? So sorry we have lives and cannot be there for every time you want us. Its not like we even have any real relationship with him. We maybe see him twice a year and for mere minutes at that.

He showed up here with his two buddies on their Harley's. Its taking everything in me to not go outside and kick his fucking ass! Oh I am so beyond pissed off at that asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life sucks

2009-01-26T17:30:00.003-05:00

I'm in that deep dark pit of despair again. Thanks to dh. I've finally told him that I see my way out of this hell. I've finally told him I feel nothing for him. He's been begging my forgiveness. I want to. But I dont know how. He's done so much shit to me, I dont know how to get past it all. Even after the huge fight we had all weekend he is still going to work late tonight. After I was sick in bad all day, he still put in for the overtime when he knew I was sick and could really use him at home to help with the kids. Just another example of how I come last in his world.

Where do I go from here? I'm so scared about having to live on my own. I dont know how I can do it. I'm scared to death...

so much has happened....

2009-01-25T21:57:00.001-05:00

where will my life go from here?????????????????

Wine and Hannah Montana

2009-01-20T22:47:00.001-05:00

LOLOLOL I've had way too much wine and there is nothing on TV! So.... here I sit watching Hannah Montana. :O)

Jealous? :P

Why is it so hard???

2009-01-14T17:38:00.003-05:00

So as a mom why is it so hard to sit back and let the dad be in charge? lol DD has gymnastics tonight. After having a horrible migraine today (which makes me puke my guts out all day long) I had to let dh take her. He offered, and its really kind of nice to have this down time. But i still worry.... lol

My fat, lazy ass....

2009-01-14T11:00:00.003-05:00

Its pretty sad really. I have my total TV listing for the day.

9am Rachel Ray
10am-11am Frasier
11am-12pm Will and Grace
12-1pm Desperate Housewives
1pm-2pm Days of our Lives
2pm-3pm Sabrina the Teenage Witch!

By then its time for me to clean up before the kids get home. LOL Ya know whats really sad? My favorite show of the day is SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH!!!!! lol

Today, I'm in self destruct mode. I'm tempted to have some wine now at 11am., but wont. I've already smoke a couple of joints... It helps me not hate my life so much....

Man guilt...

2009-01-14T10:09:00.005-05:00

So, now we're in the next phase of the argument. I say that because it always goes the same way. Now he realizes what a jerk he has been. He feels terrible. He bought me a nice card and a butterfly collectible. It was really nice, but I know he just did it cause he feels guilty. I still have so much anger towards him. Its going to take a long time to get over this.

I'm tired of always wondering who he's with. He says he's working late, who knows... His FB had some girl posting on his wall. I dont know her. He says he works with her. She posted something on his wall that to me, appeared to be flirting. She asked him if he's "going to the party?" Ummm, who the fuck are you and what fucking party??? he says its a retirement party for someone at work. Whatever. I'm tired of being alone all the time.

Marriage SUCKS!!!!

2009-01-13T10:43:00.003-05:00

Dont do it.... EVER!!!! I fucking hate my husband. More and more everyday. I think divorce is coming..........

In that bad place...

2009-01-12T13:59:00.005-05:00

So the holidays are over. Family sucks. Dh is an asshole. I'm really very unhappy right now. Dh is constantly putting me down. He's really good at making me feel worthless. Then he's really good at making feel like its my fault.

I'm just so sick of dealing with him. I'm sick of his apologies all the time. I'm tired of forgiving him all the time. There shouldnt ever be anything to forgive in the first place. I'm just sick of life and really want to crawl back into bed. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel like I am worth listening to. He will always tell me he's listening, but he never does. He often walks away from me while I'm talking to him. Why do I even bother staying with him?

He works all the time. I know we need money, but we also need a husband and father at home. I was recently in a situation where my kids and I had a wonderful time with another man. Where was dh? at work. No it wasnt a date or anything. I wasnt cheating. I was at an event for my kids and just got talking to another parent. Times like that make me wonder though.... what could i have if I left dh? Its such a scary thought, but sometimes it sounds really nice... Or even the thought of an affair is nice....

Dh just called.... wanted to know why I'm crying.... why is it so hard to tell him the truth? Why cant I just say I'm sick of how you treat me? How can he just expect me to get over it so quickly?

I hold onto anger for a long time. I still have anger against two girls from 5th grade. They used to mock me about my socks everyday. I have never forgotten their teasing. If I havent gotten over that, I am not getting over my own husband saying "fuck you bitch."

LMAO!!!

2008-12-15T00:21:00.002-05:00

My avatar at the BBC Canada looks like a dancing penis or dildo!!!!

The insanity has begun!!!

2008-12-15T00:14:00.002-05:00

Babycenter is officially shutting its old door tonight. Its kind of funny to see everyone scramble to find a place to go. Like someone posted on the board tonight, its very much like the end of Titanic. lol Everyone running screaming for the life boats while the band plays in the background.

It will be interesting to see how this new Canada board works out. The ladies over there are prolly like "WTF? These American bitches are CRAZY!!!!!" LMFAO!!!!!!

Tuesdays suck.

2008-12-02T19:38:00.003-05:00

Its hubbies boys night and tonight it happens to be in MY basement. UGH! I'm on my second bottle of wine, almost ready for my third. :O) The kids are in bed with movies and I've got some ME time. I'll have to see if I still have some wacky tobacky that dh gave me a few weeks ago. I hid it in my Lotrimin 7 box. LOL He would never touch my yeast cream. LMFAO!!!!

Gettin' fucked!

2008-11-28T19:35:00.002-05:00

Just thought I would share. I'm really drunk and plan on getting fucked so hard! :O)

Depression sucks....

2008-11-17T11:12:00.002-05:00

So the main reason I started this blog is to help deal with my depression. I need a place to get out all the crazy shit flying thru my head.

I see a psychiatrist, but I'm never totally honest with her. I'm on meds and do feel good on them. But..... there is always this underlying shit. Those thoughts I never speak up about. Even on a good day I can be driving along and there is this one curve that if you just went straight, you would crash into this pond/swamp. Its off the expressway so someone doing that would be going at least 70mph. In the back of my head this voice says "it would be so easy....." Even on a good day I want to stay in bed. I often make all these commitments and then later am terrified to go at all. I have even used my kids and kept them home from school before just to get out of things. I just want to hide in my house and never go out. When I do go out I have to force myself.

Its so easy to just not take my meds. I start to enjoy feeling so shitty. In some ways its just like another excuse to be lazy and not do anything.

Sometimes I think that I wouldnt care if something happened to me. Not that i would do something to hurt myself. Just that I wouldnt mind getting hurt and having to be in the hospital. Just to be lazy and nothing to deal with. I broke my toe and foot a few years ago and it was great. I could be lazy all I wanted with a real excuse. How sad is that?

I'm thinking that maybe I should be more honest with my psych next month. Tell her how crazy psycho I really am. I wish I could get disability for depresson and anxiety. whenever I think about going back to work I totally panic and have a melt down. You probably have to already be working though to get disability for that, huh?

Depression sucks.....

Snow and fire!

2008-11-17T10:54:00.002-05:00

Its snowing right now and its soooooo beautiful! I love it when those huge flakes come floating down. When it just starts to cover everything white. SO pretty! I have the princess home sick today so we made a nice fire to snuggle by. I love gettin' cozy by the fire. :O)

Babycenter is about to implode......BOOM!!!!

2008-11-16T20:29:00.001-05:00

Well its official. Babycenter has gone to hell in a handbasket. Its like now that they have announced the end is near, all those bitches have lost their ever lovin’ minds. There are fights over the stupidest shit going on over there. Apparently someone needed help last night and cried out to the board for help. Well, they may have saved someone’s life. I think that’s pretty fucking amazing! Now someone is bashing the ones that actually helped! Does that make any sense at all??? What the fuck is wrong with people?!?!

Is it too early for a drink?

2008-11-15T13:57:00.002-05:00

OMFG! These kids are driving me mad today! Hubs is working, I have a migraine and the princess is doing everything she can to piss me off. Well, its working! Is it too early for a bottle of wine? Maybe two bottles????

Why do people show their stupidity?

2008-11-15T13:01:00.002-05:00

I swear there are so many people on BBC that just make me say "what the fuck?" Its like they have no brain or they just have no sense at all. The election threads were especially entertaining with people spewing lies about each candidate. NOw that BBC is coming to an end I wonder if we will go down in a huge ball of flames. lol I think it already is. I never thought I would say it, but I think I'm turning into one of those bitchy mean girls. lol I dont give a shit anymore what people think. I'm going to start posting what i really think...

No fucking viewers!

2008-11-14T11:09:00.003-05:00

Its official! I am the most boring person in the whole fucking world! I put a hit counter on here and I have not had even ONE visitor! Okay, so it says 'one' on the counter, but it has said 'one' since the moment I put it on this site. This is going to be great for my self confidence. :P

Addiction

2008-11-14T10:47:00.003-05:00

Yes, I have my very own addiction. I wait until the kids go to school and I indulge. Its so bad. I get so lazy. I'm sure this is why my house is a mess most days. LOL What is my addiction, you ask? Hmmmm, could it be Coca-Cola? or something much stronger? Hmmmm, Guess you may never know!

Can You believe this shit?

2008-11-11T21:57:00.005-05:00

Have you seen that new show The Doctors? I happened to catch it the other day. They were talking about drugs and alcohol in teens. They said three things that just blew me away.

1. Women are soaking tampons in vodka and inserting them in their vag and their ass. I guess it gets you drunker faster because it doesnt get processed thru the liver. Can you say "WHAT THE FUCK???????"

2. Teens are doing beer bongs up their asses. Again "WHAT THE FUCK????" I know they did it on Jackass. But come on. So is this how teen parties go now? "hey man whats up? are you ready to drop your pants and spread your cheeks?" LMFAO!!!!! I guess its that getting drunker faster thing.

3. Teens are doing Vodka Snorts. Its as simple as it sounds. They snork vodka. Say it with me now..... "WHAT THE FUCK?????"

Are you freakin' kidding me????

2008-11-11T13:34:00.003-05:00

So, we just got back from Kohls where we got new sneakers for the princess. The whole point of getting her new sneakers is that she complains that her old ones "feel funny". So we are finally driving home (30mins from kohls) when she says "My new sneakers feel tight." Are you fucking kidding me???? Oh. My. Fucking. God. I could kill her...

I also need to bitch about Kohls having no damn shopping carts. I think they have like 10 carts for the whole store. And then to see the old ladys pushing around the stroller carts. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I had to carry one of the store bags and I had to stuff it with THREE winter boot boxes plus all the other shit I picked up. I seriously kept knocking shit down as I walked by. lol

Schnickerdoodle!

2008-11-11T10:11:00.002-05:00

Its just another day here. The rugrats are off school today which makes for a very looooooong day. We really need to head to kohls, but we've been way too lazy still in our jammies at 10:15am. lol

Actually I'm always a lazy shit. I hate getting dressed. I hate cleaning. I am a stay at home mom and I hate to clean. lol My house is always a mess, and I really dont care. If hubby wants it clean he can do it himself.

Off to spend lots of money we dont have! :O)

Remind me why I wanted kids???

2008-11-10T16:51:00.002-05:00

I swear my kids are like night and day. My son is this perfect kid. He does well in school. He is very well behaved and always has been. He does what he's asked most of the time without argument.
My daughter on the other hand is a living nightmare. She never listens. She is constantly pushing me. She gets violent. She gets into EVERYTHING! She seriously drives me insane. She knows how to push my button to get me mad. Its like this long chain of events like this...

First she gets mad cause I ask her to drive her squeeky car in the other room. Its giving me a headache and we cant hear the TV. She throws a big tantrum yelling "NO".

After warnings that she needs to stop she gets put into her room for a time out.

While in her room she throw things.
Slams the door several times.
Squirts vapo-rub lotion on her jewelry box.

So she gets put into a chair for time out instead.

She keeps shaking the damn chair. I'm afraid she will break the ladder back off my good chair.

She kicks me.
She hits me.
She spits at me.
She calls me a stupid idiot.

So, she does all of this just to push my buttons. She does it knowing it will make me angry.

I'll be the first to admit that i have a rage problem. I am known to scream my fucking head off when I am mad. This kid drives me mad! I actually called hubby crying yesterday and told him that i was so angry I wanted to hurt her. I wouldnt hurt her and I havent ever hurt her. But, boy, does she make my feel like hurting her when she behaves like that.

random bullshit....

2008-11-10T15:37:00.000-05:00

So, have you ever imagined how it would feel to drive your car into a bridge? or drive your car straight into a semi-truck head on? These are the kinds of things that I think about often. Depression really sucks. Its sad, but people like me can never tell other people their true thoughts and feelings.